i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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