I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
