Please, let me fuck your mom
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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