last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
