so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
