I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
