I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
