sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
