Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
false alarm. still invincible.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
