And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
