Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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