u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
