Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
