Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
