In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
