She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
