I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
