she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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