We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
