Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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