just come out here and I will go home with you...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
