he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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