You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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