I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
