I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
