I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
