i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
