I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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