a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
