You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
