My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
