The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
