I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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