I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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