Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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