When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
