I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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