Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
