my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
