When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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