Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
