Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
