after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
