im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
