I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
