remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
