woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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