I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
