dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
