no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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